Ron Splatkinburger's Slightly Daft Book of Poetry

Splatkinburger's Vegetable Selection

Shh - mashing

O wonderful potato,

Your eyes are like the craters on the moon,

Mashed or roasted, boiled or baked,

Friend of the fork and chum of the spoon!

Shh - mashing

O marvellous spud,

Creator of the crisp and chip,

Waving at the gravy boat,

And joking with the parsnip.

Shh - mashing

O pomme de terre,

Salt of the earth, the friendliest of food,

You please the tongue and fill the tummy,

Can I eat you in the nude?

Shh - mashing

Only the Broccoli

I'd rather eat a carrot

Than a parrot.

But I don't live in a greengage.

I don't like the taste of marrows,

But they're not as bad as wheelbarrows.

Spinach is weird

And generally feared

By children.

I have an onion

That looks like a bunion.

Jive with the chive

And you'll thrive in the hive

(Ask a bee).

Never mess with mustard and cress,

Or its lunch with a punch.

The lettuce leaf

Is definitely chief

Of the salad.

But only the broccoli

Is wearing shoes and sockoli!

Anti-Sprout Acrostic

Beautiful?

Really

Ugly,

Said

Sam.

Everybody

Loathes

Sprouts.

Splendid?

Pretty

Rough.

Orrible

Utter

Taste

Shock!

Beans

My favourite film, when I'm wearing jeans,

Is Snow White and the Seven Beans.

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, whatever that means,

I get a fright

At the dwarf bean scenes.

Mirror, mirror, said the queen,

Who is the fairest to be seen?

She smashed the mirror to smithereens

When it said:

Snow White who lives with the Beans!

I am a Salad

This is the ballad

Of the boring salad,

Cucumber pages

That drag on for ages,

Bland artichokes

Without any jokes,

A tomato slice

Whose idea of vice

Is to take the French dressing

For some quiet caressing

In the bottom of the dish

And whisper:

I wish I was a goldfish!

O Carrot

O carrot,

Why are you so shy?

When you blush

Do you hide under ground

And cry?

Is that why

I can't hear a sound

When you snivel?

The carrot crop:

Blubbing under ground

And green on top!

What drivel!

There's a Hole in my Leek

There's a hole in my leek

That was made by a snail!

There's a leak in my mouth

So my spit leaves a trail!

There's a mouth on the river,

That's never been kissed!

There's a river with a bank

That the robbers have missed!

There's a bank with a note

That counts itself up!

There's a note that is able

To drink from a cup!

There's a Cup in the World

That's football's delight!

There's a world that is whole,

But the spelling's not right!

Which is why,

So to speak,

There's a hole

In my leek!

Endive Divine

Endive, divine,

What on Earth are you?

I'll put you in the salad,

But I'll keep you from the stew!

You look a bit like lettuce,

Are you curly-leafed or broad?

Watch out for slugs and other bugs -

They'll put you to the sword!

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