Ron Splatkinburger's Slightly Daft Book of Poetry

Ron Splatkinburger's Christmas Celebration

Beat This

My Christmas tree

Says a lot about me,

With it's Brussels Sprouts for lights,

The star, with it's gleam,

Is a custard cream

Wrapped up in a pair of old tights.

A small stuffed canary

Makes do for a fairy,

The crackers are soft finger rolls.

The tinsel is wire,

The base is a tyre

Wrapped up in a shirt full of holes.

Two dozen brass handle

Will make do for candles,

With buttons turned into mince pies.

The Nativity Scene

Is ten cloves and a bean,

And the Angel has almonds for eyes!

Christmas Is Vile

Christmas is vile,

Its a well known fact,

All Father Christmases

Should be sacked.

Bah! Humbug!

All you do

Is spend lots of money

Buying loads of rubbish,

It just isn't funny.

Bah! Humbug!

Christmas comes

But once a year,

Which is far too often

For it to be here.

Bah! Humbug!

Every four years

It ought to come up,

Like the Olympic Games

And the soccer World Cup!

Bah! Humbug!

Three Wise Men?

Santa Claus, Santa Claus,

Is going off his trolley,

The Three Wise Men

Got bored again

And hit him with a brolley.

A Christmas Stocking, red and shocking,

Is hanging by the bed,

The Three Wise Men

Got bored again

And filled it up with lead.

The shepherds three, needed a pee,

They went to the loo at the inn,

The Three Wise Men

Got bored again

And locked the shepherds in.

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