Contents Splatkinburger's School Days - Top 1 - You Boy 2- There's Always One 3 - Logos - What They Don't Say 4 - Snot Watch 5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou 6 - Mrs Potter 7 - Fool in the Chair 8 - My Teacher is an Alien 9 - The Teaching Staff 10 Why?
|
Ron Splatkinburger's Slightly Daft Book of PoetrySplatkinburger's School Days You Boy!
You boy! Slow down! Didn't you hear the bell? Now, boy, Listen to me, And listen well. The trouble with children Is…. They smell!
And do you know why? How dare you cry When I'm still talking! You wouldn't be here now If you'd been walking And….
You wouldn't smell!
I don't care if you're only seven And your dog's just died. It'll probably go to heaven Anyway (As long as it didn't do things On the pavement). Now walk away, Be decent When you hear the bell; Don't run, Don't sweat, And most of all…. Don't smell.
Fatty Passed to Skinny, And Skinny passed….to no one, But just for fun He dribbled past three defenders, Rounded the sweeper, Had a talk with the linesman About last night's Eastenders, Swerved past the ‘keeper Just an open goal to go, Hurrah, Hurrah, Hurrah: And he blasted it: Oh no, Oh no, OH NO (it can't be) OVER THE BAR, THE BAR, THE BAR!
Everyone laughed Such hoots, Such hoots, Such hoots; (No one likes a greedy boots)
Have you noticed how the nation's schools Are getting Logos now, With slogans (not just Bash Street Rules ) - Far holier than thou -
Excellence For All is one, Another We Succeed , Pleasure in the Duty Done Or Diligence in Deed.
Funny how they never say The Dinners here are Tasty, Or How we Love to go to Play, Or The Teachers here are pasty.
They never say Stupidity , Or Lazy Beggar's Space, Or Jibblypan Putidity, Or The Not Particularly Place.
I wish the slogans in our schools Would come back down to Earth; To flashy-chappy-snappy fools: The Truth - what is it worth?
At nine o'clock….its up there In his nose - A large green blob that flows In glorious Adagio.
At nine-fifteen….it peeps like a toe From a threadbare sock, Just edging from the nostril; A ship coming out of dock.
At half-past nine….its moving well, Nearly half way down And ready to swell, Tick-tock, tick-tock, in a khaki gown.
At a quarter to ten….its widening fast, Descent slowing to Largo , Becoming globular and vast And in it's prime.
At ten o'clock….bang on the chime, It rolls, this gherkin of a ship, Then trembles for a moment And halts upon the boundary of the lip.
At ten-fifteen….the bell is rung And the blob's momentum makes it fall, Out comes the tongue; That signals hats and coats for all….
Its time for break.
Mrs. Dunbar-Angelou Could kill you with a glance, With Mrs. Dunbar-Angelou You never took a chance, She'd dip her horn-rim spectacles And look you up and down, With Mrs. Dunbar-Angelou You'd never play the clown.
Though Mrs. Dunbar-Angelou So very seldom spoke, All would listen when she did, No mortal dared to croak, Yet Mrs. Dunbar-Angelou Never had need to yell, Stage-whispers made her presence felt, Her voice casting a spell.
Fear, Mrs. Dunbar-Angelou, Is the lesson you taught me, Discomfort in the drying throat, And shaking at the knee. Yes, Mrs. Dunbar-Angelou, Is it really any wonder That I look forward to the day When you are six-foot under?
You dirty rotter, Mrs. Potter, For giving Sid lunch-time detention, Mirthless, worthless, soccer-spoiler, And other things too strong to mention.
You dirty rotter, Mrs. Potter, The side will slide, as eggs are eggs, The class pass of the class is scrambled, The team has lost it's finest legs.
You dirty rotter, Mrs. Potter, Aligator in the pond, Five-nil, or four if we are lucky, Swindled and detention-conned.
You dirty rotter, Mrs. Potter, Careless, hairless, wears a wig, We take this personally, gutted, Mrs. Potter is a pig.
You dirty rotter, Mrs. Potter, Broomstick riding, chiding witch, You punish one and hand us all A thrashing on the football pitch.
Me? I hated school, They were all so clever And I was such a fool.
I had a dream one night That in the middle of a lake My school had turned Into a birthday cake.
Then six green giants On a huge Swiss Roll Rowed over the water Having just one goal:
They wanted to eat That birthday cake, Ice-cool and iced In the middle of the lake.
I watched them cut And I watched them slice, I saw the cherry glaze And the ginger spice.
Chopping up the chopped-nuts And the citrus peel, With the marzipan They had a fruitcake meal.
But I didn't mind Because I wasn't there, I was watching T.V. In a warm armchair.
Me? I hated school. I didn't get eaten But I still felt….a fool!
My teacher is an alien - I'm telling you, its true, He plays the string bass He's a basketball ace And he takes us to the zoo!
My teacher is an alien - Its a certainty that's dead! He knows when I'm cheating, He knows when I'm eating, He has eyes in the back of his head!
My teacher is an alien - I'll bet you 50p. He can use a wrench, Speaks un petit French, And doesn't ever go for a pee!
My teacher is an alien - Its as sure as eggs are eggs. With a white-board and a pen He shows the cubic route of ten In the shape of a pelican's legs!
My teacher is an alien - If not, I'll eat my hat, From pole to pole No human soul Could possibly do all that!
The teaching staff Would never laugh At the school for children of stone. They'd moan and groan In monotonous tone, Like the drone of the bass trombone.
They looked at the classes Over half-moon glasses, They were men of a serious strain. Their dress was plain, Be it sun, be it rain, And their hands always gripped a cane!
Why do children go to school? Is it because parents are cruel? They think their children are a pain And say to teachers “Use the cane!”
Why do teachers always shout? Be quiet, shut up, hey you, GET OUT! They treat the kids as if they're dogs Are they as thick as two short logs?
Why are the dinners made of plastic? Spaghetti just like knicker elastic, Dandruff on the spuds and pie, Tomatoes fit to make you cry!
Why do we go outside to play However cold the winter's day? With icicles inside your nose, And burning cheeks and frozen toes.
Why must we bring our P.E. kit? We don't care if we don't get fit, How will we grow up to be wise By taking pointless exercise?
Why can't we run down corridors, Or crawl along them on all fours? Why can't we scream like wild things, Why can't we wear jewellery and rings?
( Why do they have to come at all? They could stay at home and have a ball! Couldn't they all just stay away And give poor Sir an easy day!)
|
Click below for more Splatkinburger in the Poetry Park Ron Splatkinburger's Christmas Celebration 1 2 3 Splatkinburger's Serious Questions (1/11) Ron Splatkinburger's Pet Guide (4) Splatkinburger's Vegetable Selection (8) Ron Splatkinburger's Thought Provoking Verse (4)
|
Contents Splatkinburger's School Days - Top 1 - You Boy 2- There's Always One 3 - Logos - What They Don't Say 4 - Snot Watch 5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou 6 - Mrs Potter 7 - Fool in the Chair 8 - My Teacher is an Alien 9 - The Teaching Staff 10 Why?
|
||
Contents Splatkinburger's School Days - Top 1 - You Boy 2- There's Always One 3 - Logos - What They Don't Say 4 - Snot Watch 5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou 6 - Mrs Potter 7 - Fool in the Chair 8 - My Teacher is an Alien 9 - The Teaching Staff 10 Why?
|
||
Contents Splatkinburger's School Days - Top 1 - You Boy 2- There's Always One 3 - Logos - What They Don't Say 4 - Snot Watch 5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou 6 - Mrs Potter 7 - Fool in the Chair 8 - My Teacher is an Alien 9 - The Teaching Staff 10 Why?
|
||
Contents Splatkinburger's School Days - Top 1 - You Boy 2- There's Always One 3 - Logos - What They Don't Say 4 - Snot Watch 5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou 6 - Mrs Potter 7 - Fool in the Chair 8 - My Teacher is an Alien 9 - The Teaching Staff 10 Why?
|
||
Contents Splatkinburger's School Days - Top 1 - You Boy 2- There's Always One 3 - Logos - What They Don't Say 4 - Snot Watch 5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou 6 - Mrs Potter 7 - Fool in the Chair 8 - My Teacher is an Alien 9 - The Teaching Staff 10 Why?
|
||
Contents Splatkinburger's School Days - Top 1 - You Boy 2- There's Always One 3 - Logos - What They Don't Say 4 - Snot Watch 5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou 6 - Mrs Potter 7 - Fool in the Chair 8 - My Teacher is an Alien 9 - The Teaching Staff 10 Why?
|
||
Contents Splatkinburger's School Days - Top 1 - You Boy 2- There's Always One 3 - Logos - What They Don't Say 4 - Snot Watch 5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou 6 - Mrs Potter 7 - Fool in the Chair 8 - My Teacher is an Alien 9 - The Teaching Staff 10 Why?
|
||
Contents Splatkinburger's School Days - Top 1 - You Boy 2- There's Always One 3 - Logos - What They Don't Say 4 - Snot Watch 5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou 6 - Mrs Potter 7 - Fool in the Chair 8 - My Teacher is an Alien 9 - The Teaching Staff 10 Why?
|
||
Contents Splatkinburger's School Days - Top 1 - You Boy 2- There's Always One 3 - Logos - What They Don't Say 4 - Snot Watch 5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou 6 - Mrs Potter 7 - Fool in the Chair 8 - My Teacher is an Alien 9 - The Teaching Staff 10 Why?
|
||
Contents Splatkinburger's School Days - Top 1 - You Boy 2- There's Always One 3 - Logos - What They Don't Say 4 - Snot Watch 5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou 6 - Mrs Potter 7 - Fool in the Chair 8 - My Teacher is an Alien 9 - The Teaching Staff 10 Why?
|
||
Contents Splatkinburger's School Days - Top 1 - You Boy 2- There's Always One 3 - Logos - What They Don't Say 4 - Snot Watch 5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou 6 - Mrs Potter 7 - Fool in the Chair 8 - My Teacher is an Alien 9 - The Teaching Staff 10 Why?
|
||
Contents Splatkinburger's School Days - Top 1 - You Boy 2- There's Always One 3 - Logos - What They Don't Say 4 - Snot Watch 5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou 6 - Mrs Potter 7 - Fool in the Chair 8 - My Teacher is an Alien 9 - The Teaching Staff 10 Why?
|
||
Contents Splatkinburger's School Days - Top 1 - You Boy 2- There's Always One 3 - Logos - What They Don't Say 4 - Snot Watch 5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou 6 - Mrs Potter 7 - Fool in the Chair 8 - My Teacher is an Alien 9 - The Teaching Staff 10 Why?
|
||
Contents Splatkinburger's School Days - Top 1 - You Boy 2- There's Always One 3 - Logos - What They Don't Say 4 - Snot Watch 5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou 6 - Mrs Potter 7 - Fool in the Chair 8 - My Teacher is an Alien 9 - The Teaching Staff 10 Why?
|
||
|
||