Contents

•  Splatkinburger's School Days - Top

1 - You Boy

2- There's Always One

3 - Logos - What They Don't Say

4 - Snot Watch

5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou

6 - Mrs Potter

7 - Fool in the Chair

8 - My Teacher is an Alien

9 - The Teaching Staff

10 Why?

 

 

Ron Splatkinburger's Slightly Daft Book of Poetry

Splatkinburger's School Days

You Boy!

 

You boy!

Slow down!

Didn't you hear the bell?

Now, boy,

Listen to me,

And listen well.

The trouble with children

Is….

They smell!

 

And do you know why?

How dare you cry

When I'm still talking!

You wouldn't be here now

If you'd been walking

And….

 

You wouldn't smell!

 

I don't care if you're only seven

And your dog's just died.

It'll probably go to heaven

Anyway

(As long as it didn't do things

On the pavement).

Now walk away,

Be decent

When you hear the bell;

Don't run,

Don't sweat,

And most of all….

Don't smell.

 


 

There's Always One

 

 

Fatty Passed to Skinny,

And Skinny passed….to no one,

But just for fun

He dribbled past three defenders,

Rounded the sweeper,

Had a talk with the linesman

About last night's Eastenders,

Swerved past the ‘keeper

Just an open goal to go,

Hurrah,

Hurrah,

Hurrah:

And he blasted it:

Oh no,

Oh no,

OH NO

(it can't be)

OVER THE BAR,

THE BAR,

THE BAR!

 

Everyone laughed

Such hoots,

Such hoots,

Such hoots;

(No one likes a greedy boots)

 

 

.
Logos - What They Don't Say

 

Have you noticed how the nation's schools

Are getting Logos now,

With slogans (not just Bash Street Rules )

- Far holier than thou -

 

Excellence For All is one,

Another We Succeed ,

Pleasure in the Duty Done

Or Diligence in Deed.

 

Funny how they never say

The Dinners here are Tasty,

Or How we Love to go to Play,

Or The Teachers here are pasty.

 

They never say Stupidity ,

Or Lazy Beggar's Space,

Or Jibblypan Putidity,

Or The Not Particularly Place.

 

I wish the slogans in our schools

Would come back down to Earth;

To flashy-chappy-snappy fools:

The Truth - what is it worth?

 

 


Snot Watch

 

 

At nine o'clock….its up there

In his nose -

A large green blob that flows

In glorious Adagio.

 

At nine-fifteen….it peeps like a toe

From a threadbare sock,

Just edging from the nostril;

A ship coming out of dock.

 

At half-past nine….its moving well,

Nearly half way down

And ready to swell,

Tick-tock, tick-tock, in a khaki gown.

 

At a quarter to ten….its widening fast,

Descent slowing to Largo ,

Becoming globular and vast

And in it's prime.

 

At ten o'clock….bang on the chime,

It rolls, this gherkin of a ship,

Then trembles for a moment

And halts upon the boundary of the lip.

 

At ten-fifteen….the bell is rung

And the blob's momentum makes it fall,

Out comes the tongue;

That signals hats and coats for all….

 

Its time for break.

 


Mrs. Dunbar-Angelou

 

 

 

Mrs. Dunbar-Angelou

Could kill you with a glance,

With Mrs. Dunbar-Angelou

You never took a chance,

She'd dip her horn-rim spectacles

And look you up and down,

With Mrs. Dunbar-Angelou

You'd never play the clown.

 

Though Mrs. Dunbar-Angelou

So very seldom spoke,

All would listen when she did,

No mortal dared to croak,

Yet Mrs. Dunbar-Angelou

Never had need to yell,

Stage-whispers made her presence felt,

Her voice casting a spell.

 

Fear, Mrs. Dunbar-Angelou,

Is the lesson you taught me,

Discomfort in the drying throat,

And shaking at the knee.

Yes, Mrs. Dunbar-Angelou,

Is it really any wonder

That I look forward to the day

When you are six-foot under?

 

 


Mrs. Potter

 

 

You dirty rotter, Mrs. Potter,

For giving Sid lunch-time detention,

Mirthless, worthless, soccer-spoiler,

And other things too strong to mention.

 

You dirty rotter, Mrs. Potter,

The side will slide, as eggs are eggs,

The class pass of the class is scrambled,

The team has lost it's finest legs.

 

You dirty rotter, Mrs. Potter,

Aligator in the pond,

Five-nil, or four if we are lucky,

Swindled and detention-conned.

 

You dirty rotter, Mrs. Potter,

Careless, hairless, wears a wig,

We take this personally, gutted,

Mrs. Potter is a pig.

 

You dirty rotter, Mrs. Potter,

Broomstick riding, chiding witch,

You punish one and hand us all

A thrashing on the football pitch.

 

 


Fool in the Chair

 

Me?

I hated school,

They were all so clever

And I was such a fool.

 

I had a dream one night

That in the middle of a lake

My school had turned

Into a birthday cake.

 

Then six green giants

On a huge Swiss Roll

Rowed over the water

Having just one goal:

 

They wanted to eat

That birthday cake,

Ice-cool and iced

In the middle of the lake.

 

I watched them cut

And I watched them slice,

I saw the cherry glaze

And the ginger spice.

 

Chopping up the chopped-nuts

And the citrus peel,

With the marzipan

They had a fruitcake meal.

 

But I didn't mind

Because I wasn't there,

I was watching T.V.

In a warm armchair.

 

Me?

I hated school.

I didn't get eaten

But I still felt….a fool!


 

 

My Teacher is an Alien

 

 

My teacher is an alien -

I'm telling you, its true,

He plays the string bass

He's a basketball ace

And he takes us to the zoo!

 

My teacher is an alien -

Its a certainty that's dead!

He knows when I'm cheating,

He knows when I'm eating,

He has eyes in the back of his head!

 

My teacher is an alien -

I'll bet you 50p.

He can use a wrench,

Speaks un petit French,

And doesn't ever go for a pee!

 

My teacher is an alien -

Its as sure as eggs are eggs.

With a white-board and a pen

He shows the cubic route of ten

In the shape of a pelican's legs!

 

My teacher is an alien -

If not, I'll eat my hat,

From pole to pole

No human soul

Could possibly do all that!

 

 


The Teaching Staff

 

 

The teaching staff

Would never laugh

At the school for children of stone.

They'd moan and groan

In monotonous tone,

Like the drone of the bass trombone.

 

They looked at the classes

Over half-moon glasses,

They were men of a serious strain.

Their dress was plain,

Be it sun, be it rain,

And their hands always gripped a cane!

 

 


Why?

 

 

Why do children go to school?

Is it because parents are cruel?

They think their children are a pain

And say to teachers “Use the cane!”

 

Why do teachers always shout?

Be quiet, shut up, hey you, GET OUT!

They treat the kids as if they're dogs

Are they as thick as two short logs?

 

Why are the dinners made of plastic?

Spaghetti just like knicker elastic,

Dandruff on the spuds and pie,

Tomatoes fit to make you cry!

 

Why do we go outside to play

However cold the winter's day?

With icicles inside your nose,

And burning cheeks and frozen toes.

 

Why must we bring our P.E. kit?

We don't care if we don't get fit,

How will we grow up to be wise

By taking pointless exercise?

 

Why can't we run down corridors,

Or crawl along them on all fours?

Why can't we scream like wild things,

Why can't we wear jewellery and rings?

 

( Why do they have to come at all?

They could stay at home and have a ball!

Couldn't they all just stay away

And give poor Sir an easy day!)

 

 

 

 

Click here to return to top

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

Click below for more Splatkinburger in the Poetry Park

Splatkinburger's School Days

Ron Splatkinburger's Christmas Celebration 1 2 3

Splatkinburger's Serious Questions (1/11)

Ron Splatkinburger's Pet Guide (4)

Splatkinburger's Vegetable Selection (8)

Splatkinburger's Alphabet

Ron Splatkinburger's Thought Provoking Verse (4)

 

Contents

•  Splatkinburger's School Days - Top

1 - You Boy

2- There's Always One

3 - Logos - What They Don't Say

4 - Snot Watch

5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou

6 - Mrs Potter

7 - Fool in the Chair

8 - My Teacher is an Alien

9 - The Teaching Staff

10 Why?

 

Contents

•  Splatkinburger's School Days - Top

1 - You Boy

2- There's Always One

3 - Logos - What They Don't Say

4 - Snot Watch

5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou

6 - Mrs Potter

7 - Fool in the Chair

8 - My Teacher is an Alien

9 - The Teaching Staff

10 Why?

 

Contents

•  Splatkinburger's School Days - Top

1 - You Boy

2- There's Always One

3 - Logos - What They Don't Say

4 - Snot Watch

5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou

6 - Mrs Potter

7 - Fool in the Chair

8 - My Teacher is an Alien

9 - The Teaching Staff

10 Why?

 

Contents

•  Splatkinburger's School Days - Top

1 - You Boy

2- There's Always One

3 - Logos - What They Don't Say

4 - Snot Watch

5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou

6 - Mrs Potter

7 - Fool in the Chair

8 - My Teacher is an Alien

9 - The Teaching Staff

10 Why?

 

Contents

•  Splatkinburger's School Days - Top

1 - You Boy

2- There's Always One

3 - Logos - What They Don't Say

4 - Snot Watch

5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou

6 - Mrs Potter

7 - Fool in the Chair

8 - My Teacher is an Alien

9 - The Teaching Staff

10 Why?

 

Contents

•  Splatkinburger's School Days - Top

1 - You Boy

2- There's Always One

3 - Logos - What They Don't Say

4 - Snot Watch

5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou

6 - Mrs Potter

7 - Fool in the Chair

8 - My Teacher is an Alien

9 - The Teaching Staff

10 Why?

 

Contents

•  Splatkinburger's School Days - Top

1 - You Boy

2- There's Always One

3 - Logos - What They Don't Say

4 - Snot Watch

5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou

6 - Mrs Potter

7 - Fool in the Chair

8 - My Teacher is an Alien

9 - The Teaching Staff

10 Why?

 

Contents

•  Splatkinburger's School Days - Top

1 - You Boy

2- There's Always One

3 - Logos - What They Don't Say

4 - Snot Watch

5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou

6 - Mrs Potter

7 - Fool in the Chair

8 - My Teacher is an Alien

9 - The Teaching Staff

10 Why?

 

Contents

•  Splatkinburger's School Days - Top

1 - You Boy

2- There's Always One

3 - Logos - What They Don't Say

4 - Snot Watch

5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou

6 - Mrs Potter

7 - Fool in the Chair

8 - My Teacher is an Alien

9 - The Teaching Staff

10 Why?

 

Contents

•  Splatkinburger's School Days - Top

1 - You Boy

2- There's Always One

3 - Logos - What They Don't Say

4 - Snot Watch

5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou

6 - Mrs Potter

7 - Fool in the Chair

8 - My Teacher is an Alien

9 - The Teaching Staff

10 Why?

 

Contents

•  Splatkinburger's School Days - Top

1 - You Boy

2- There's Always One

3 - Logos - What They Don't Say

4 - Snot Watch

5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou

6 - Mrs Potter

7 - Fool in the Chair

8 - My Teacher is an Alien

9 - The Teaching Staff

10 Why?

 

Contents

•  Splatkinburger's School Days - Top

1 - You Boy

2- There's Always One

3 - Logos - What They Don't Say

4 - Snot Watch

5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou

6 - Mrs Potter

7 - Fool in the Chair

8 - My Teacher is an Alien

9 - The Teaching Staff

10 Why?

 

Contents

•  Splatkinburger's School Days - Top

1 - You Boy

2- There's Always One

3 - Logos - What They Don't Say

4 - Snot Watch

5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou

6 - Mrs Potter

7 - Fool in the Chair

8 - My Teacher is an Alien

9 - The Teaching Staff

10 Why?

 

Contents

•  Splatkinburger's School Days - Top

1 - You Boy

2- There's Always One

3 - Logos - What They Don't Say

4 - Snot Watch

5 - Mrs Dunbar-Angelou

6 - Mrs Potter

7 - Fool in the Chair

8 - My Teacher is an Alien

9 - The Teaching Staff

10 Why?