Ron Splatkinburger's Slightly Daft Book of Poetry

Ron Splatkinburger's Pet Guide

My Rabbit Rab

He's a lunatic, my rabbit Rab,

He says he wants to be a kebab,

That then he'd be in clover.

I've told him over and over

He's wrong,

But he just keeps singing

The same old song:

Do-be-do dab, dab,

I'm Rab the Kebab,

Rock on ….

He's a lunatic is Rab my rabbit,

The Mad Kebab

With the crooning habit:

Hey -

Join me on the spoons -

I'm the rabbit that croons,

Do-be-do dab, dab,

I'm Rab the Kebab

Great tune ….

Why You Should Learn To Read

Mary had a little lamb

Whose brain was made of jelly.

Instead of jumping in the fields,

All day he watched the telly.

But Mary didn't mind at all,

Her brains were made of glue,

She said, as they shared an easy chair,

“I'm sticking next to you!”

From dawn to dusk they'd watch the box,

They loved Inspector Morse.

And Lamb was never cooked and sliced

And served up with mint sauce!

And how did he escape this fate

When all his brothers died?

Well, Mary couldn't read, you see,

Lamb read the T.V guide.

He learnt to read and saved his life,

Although his brain was jelly!

The couch potato was his friend,

Together they watched the telly!

Edible Pets

I like slugs,

I keep a pair

Behind my lugs.

If I fancy a snack,

They're at the back

Of my ears,

Two little dears

To chew.

I like slugs,

How about you?

Never have a pet that's alive

Never have a pet that's alive,

They'll only give you grief!

I've never known a teddy bear

Grow up into a thief.

A real dog needs exercise

And makes the carpet smell,

A fluffy one has got more brains

And eats less food as well!

Why not get a pet umbrella -

They hardly ever fight,

And you don't need one of those cat-flap things

To let it in at night!

Clothes-horses can be pretty good,

Upright and always pure,

They never run away from you,

Or leave you with manure!

Pet swimming trunks are fashionable,

I've seen them in the Lido,

And if they're lost, they'll soon come back

When they hear you calling Fido!

My first Pet

My first pet was a Boa Constrictor,

I took it round to my old friend Victor,

But when it saw Vic it mistook him for a snack

And now the police say they won't give it back.

So instead I was given a little brown mouse,

But I lost it somewhere in my rambling house,

And when it turned up it was as large as a cat

With a shirt on saying “I'm the new King Rat!”

King Rat soon left, so I got a canary,

But it told me stories that were far too scary,

They frightened me so much that I cried and cried,

Then it frightened itself and the poor thing died!

When the bird was buried, I purchased a frog,

But it went quite mad and thought it was a dog,

As it tried to bark just like all the other dogs,

It turned inside out and popped it's clogs!

So now I've got a pet which is safe and easy,

Its a football boot and its old and cheesy,

It sits in the garden in a spot by the wall,

And winks once a day at an old leather ball!

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